Sensitivity, Feeling & Connection

Feeling & Connection: The Lover Archetype

There are some primal drives, some primal urges – sex, food, connection with other people – which are part of the essence of who we are. They are within us all, and we all feel them at some level.

Parts of the personality like this are called archteypes – meaning they occur in each and everyone of us.

The Lover archetype is one of these. It is the part of you which is concerned with feeling, sensuous experience, connection with others, and indeed, love.

The Lover Archetype In Life Coaching

An obvious question: how can working with this part of the human personality, this archetype, be useful in Life Coaching? How can this help us achieve success in life?

This archetype is the basis of our desire to connect with others. So working with this archetype during life coaching can provide insights into your ability (or lack of ability) to get along with others. It will also explain how easy or hard you find it to establish a sense of empathy, closeness and understanding with other people.

More to the point, life coaching in this area will enable you to make up any deficits in your ability to empathise, to connect with others. And this can certainly bring emotional stability and balance to your emotional life.

In fact, life coaching can offer insights into any behaviours which disrupt or limit your connection with others. On a personal level, you may experience some profound insights into how you relate to yourself, your colleagues, friends and families.

You’re also likely to discover areas of your personality which could be strengthened, to the benefit of your sense of ease, relaxation, well-being and comfort.

Together, during coaching, we may discover unhelpful aspects of your Lover archetype which are over-active and need some care and attention. By providing the appropriate support, we can make them less influential and prominent in the way you present yourself in the world.

All of this work will ensure you have a more stable and balanced personality, a greater sense of openness and warmth, and greater self-assurance. In other words, greater authenticity.

A Video To Introduce The Lover Archetype

The Lover Archetype Is About Feeling

As you see, the Lover archetype isn’t really about sex and love. In fact it’s really about the most primal energy of life: feeling connected. It’s about passion, in every sense of that word. It’s about flow, connection and sensation. It’s about feeling your experiences in the world.

In fact, to take another point of view, the Lover archetype is all about sensory experiences. All our senses are an essential part of the Lover’s experience: sound, vision, touch, smells, and taste. 

You see, the Lover archetype is a part of you which is deeply sensual. Indeed he or she lives for sensation: emotional sensation, physical sensation, sensuous pleasure, sensitivity to the world. All of these are the domain of the Lover.

And the Lover also wants connection. Connection with other people, connection with ourselves, connection with the world around us.

This ability to identify in a “felt” way with yourself, with other people, and the world around you, is what leads us to the experience of empathy.

Compare this with the Magician archetype within us, which “connects” through intellectual reasoning and conversation, symbols and language, rational thought and speech and mutual understanding.

But the Lover’s ability to connect is not intellectual. The Lover connects through feeling.

The Lover Archetype Wants To Be Touched

Touch is a very important aspect of your Lover archetype’s experience of the world. I don’t necessarily mean physical touch, though.

Your Lover wants to feel touched by everything; he or she is ready to feel the glory of all creation.

The twin themes of feeling and connection run through the Lover archetype’s very being. Your Lover is the part of you in which you feel empathy with another human being. It’s how you feel your own grief and joy. Your Lover carries your desire to feel connected in some way to the world around you and to the people in it.

Your Lover’s world is the world of kinesthetic experience, of sensitivity, of opening up to the sensations felt and stored in your body.

His or her world is all about appreciating the beauty of life, the subtlety of art, and the magnificence of the world around you. It’s about appreciating that you, and I, and all of us, are just part of a greater whole. Your Lover feels this when you look up into the night sky and see the billions of stars shining down on us.

Where Does Our Desire For Feeling Come From?

This desire to feel connected may come from a primal aspect of our psyche.

For the first few months of life, a baby isn’t able to distinguish between itself and its mother. Indeed, a baby is born of its mother’s flesh, and so it remains for some weeks after birth: a glorious union, a safe sense of oneness. (Well, that’s how it should be in an ideal world.)

And so perhaps our desire for connection originates in this very primal state of unity with mother. Because, if we did not experience it then, right after birth, we unconsciously crave it all the more intensely later in life.

Your Warrior, King and Magician are, to some degree, concerned with boundaries, definitions and containment, as well as order and discipline. Your Lover is different. He or she is all about freedom, sensuality, joy and happiness. More than anything else, our capacity to love is a fundamental part of our Lover.

The Lover archetype is primal. It’s deep within us, and a very important part of our essence as human beings. Which is why wishing feelings away or trying to suppress them is only going to lead to problems.


Creativity and The Lover

The Lover archetype manifests clearly in our way of working. Artists and creators, musicians, poets, sculptors, writers – all of these occupations are channelling some aspect of Lover energy.

Creativity is linked to sensuality and sensitivity, and the ability to portray the human condition in a way that invokes feelings in the people who see that art.

Artists often seem to have messy lives. They may live in ways which frighten and threaten other people, but they are generally true to themselves and their own deepest impulses.

But don’t think that Lover energy is all about being an artist!

So many more simple life experiences, the ones where your emotions and feelings are activated, reside in the quarter of the Lover. Running your hand along the beautiful lines of a superbly engineered car, or admiring the power of an ancient steam engine can be powerful and sensual experiences for the Lover archetype.

Even savouring great wine or coffee or chocolate are also activating for the Lover archetype.

In essence, when you’re working from your Lover archetype, you’re coming from your heart rather than your mind.

The Lover allows us to be who we are – to actually fulfil our destiny as human “beings” rather than human “doings”.

Doing occupies so much of the Warrior’s time and energy.  The Lover will have no truck with this! He or she wishes to stop and smell the roses.


Sadly, many of us are brought up in a way that seems to somehow inculcate disapprove of the expression of the Lover’s archetypal energy, and so we repress it.

Yet because the root of this energy is a desire for connection – connection with the world, or connection with ourselves, or connection with others – it will find its expression in one form or another.

And it’s important to understand that the Lover archetype is actually the source of some of our greatest power.

When we connect with the Lover energy within, we feel connected, we feel alive, we are passionate and energised. We feel our ability to empathise, to be strong and to support others.

We feel a sense of romance and passion about our work. We feel happy and we experience joy in the world.


All of us – men and women alike – need the Lover archetype to connect us fully to life and indeed to ourselves.

Lover energy energises us, humanises us, and indeed ultimately gives us a sense of purpose: to love others.

Of course other archetypes have their own mission and purpose, but connection and flow are the driving forces behind the Lover.

That energy, that impulse to connect in a loving way with others, that urge to express creativity, that sense of intuition, all make up the humanising force which maintains our compassion and sense of oneness with others.

Yet despite this, many of us, particularly men, have become detached from the Lover archetype. We find it hard to feel passionate or enthusiastic about anything. Indeed we may have to endure a passionless and dull existence where we don’t feel much at all.

To find the spontaneity and joy of life which is present right inside us, is a wonderful and amazing opening to grace. And by sharing that energy with others, we can bring passion to their lives as well!

A system of coaching which really does bring about lasting behavioural change – fast!